If you ever tried to teach your dog to read the first word he’d need to learn is poop followed by no or not here or maybe, don’t. Let’s face it dogs can’t read. I don’t care how smart you think your dog is he or she is never going to learn. I know signs are written for dog owners not dogs. To communicate with a dog it might be best to use doggie hieroglyphics.

I’ve always felt bad for dogs. When they go to the bathroom there’s no privacy. You don’t have to watch but dogs use the “facilities” in full view of the world. It’s up to each owner to pick up after their pooch. Dogs don’t do it. If the signs in this post go unheeded then it’s the dog owner who should suffer the sign’s harsh rebukes. I’m as diligent as I can be about picking up after my dog. I can deal with crap and I’m a good citizen. I spaced out once not realizing the dog had gone. I was called out by an even better citizen. I’ll listen to the busy bodies and read and photograph the work of the sign posters.

Begin sign tour here:

Well, if my dog can’t pee here can he poop in this no pee zone? It’s tricky. This handwritten sign resembles a traffic sign. It’s there to protect the shrubbery. There are lots of other places to pee so we’ll just move on.

Such a nice design for a profane message. I like the black outline and green lettering. This lawn does not look like a giant toilet but it might to my dog. There are lot’s of other places to pee and poop, so we’ll move on.

This message gets very specific. “My lawn is not a toilet.” This confuses my dog greatly because all he knows about toilets is that they’re a secondary water source if his water bowl is empty. As far as pooping goes, no one wants to poop where they’re not wanted. There are plenty of other places to poop, despite how inviting this lawn is, we’ll just move on.

This one gets it right by using manners, exclamation points and doggie hieroglyphics (paw prints, hearts and a smile.) This looks like a nice spot, if he agrees I’ll make sure I clean up afterwards.

A store bought sign speaks in dog language if you can teach your dog that the red circle with the line across it means no. Most dogs could relate to what the squatting dog is doing. The lawn looks lush and green and tempting in the afternoon sun. If the sign is encouraging respect, the least a dog and owner can be is respectful and find another lawn.

We ran into this sign last week. It tells the whole story so I’ll take the rest of the afternoon off.

Next week: An interview with the I, Anonymous Illustrator.